2008-10-27 16:48:26 PDT
Lady: Hi, I just bought a pumpkin there, I'm wondering if it'll be okay for pie.
Me: Yeah, it should be okay... ?
Lady: Well, the thing is it's orange.
Me: ... ?
Lady: Really orange.
Me: Pumpkin orange ?
Lady: Well... it was $2.79.
Me: Uh ?!
Lady: So I'm wondering...
Me: If it'll be okay for pie.
Lady: Yes.
Me: I think it'll be okay.
Lady: Could you ask someone else ?
Me: What ?
Lady: You don't sound very confident.
Me: I'm confident that pumpkins can go in pie !
Lady: But this one is really orange.
Me: Alright, sure.
I go tell the girl working produce about it. She laughs a lot and assures me that pumpkins, even orange ones, can go in pie.
Me: The girl working produce has assured me that pumpkins, even orange ones, can go in pie.
Lady: It has lines on it too. My last pumpkin didn't have lines on it.
Me: Lines.
Lady: From the stem down to the bottom.
Me: That's... all pumpkins have that.
Lady: No, my last one was smooth.
Me: ...some pumpkins have that.
Lady: So it's normal ?
Me: Yes.
Lady: But what about the orange ?
Me: The colour is relative to how much sun it gets. {I don't know if this is true but it's what produce girl told me so I throw it out there because hey fuck it am i right}
Lady: So white pumpkins get less light !
Me: Sure.
Lady: So I don't need to return this pumpkin !
Me: ... no ?!
Lady: Great ! Thank you ! *click*
2008-10-13 16:00:32 PDT
Congratulations dudes, way to be married !
2008-09-30 17:25:16 PDT
I was walking back from the local smoothie store with my ipod on when I noticed a frantic flashing hand attached to a large gent with giant muttonchops. Being as I heartily endorse that sort of facial hair, and being the personable fellow I am, I popped out one ear and raised an eyebrow.
Guy: "Greetings ! I am that rarest of jesters, the traveling bard ! I tell tall tales and long fables, and short rhymes for small minds ! Can I interest you in something today ?"
Me: :?
Guy: "I've travelled a great distance, collecting the grandest stories you've never heard, and lyrical pieces of the greatest wisdom ever to be unfurled ! My shortest rhyme is spoken in twelve seconds' time, and you'll be gone on your way after I wish you a good day !"
Me: "eeeeeyeah no thanks, I gotta get back to work."
Guy: "Ahh my friend, a mere twelve seconds of your life cannot be spared ? Then may I suggest a change in..."
Me: "No, you may not."
Here I tried the clever escape of walking away but he started walking with me !
Guy: "You need to escape the hum-drum and the bustle of the rat-race ! I assure you my best stories will brighten even the darkest of days !"
Me {kinda yelling}: "Dude I am most assuredly not interested in your barding !"
Then this kid on a bmx who was behind us goes, "yeah FUCK YOU bard !" and I started laughing really hard, but the kid on the bmx was deadly serious ! The bard shuffled away and the kid turns to me and goes, "fuckin bard." and bikes off, like he's finally had it with bards.
2008-06-30 14:39:35 PDT
+
=
No sleep, no sun, leaving work early, go ahead and fire me it's just more time for the important things.
2008-04-25 18:56:24 PDT
I went to a "cheesecake party" once when I lived in Winnipeg because there was a girl there I was trying to put the mack on, unfortunately forgetting that I am totally incapable of macking on anything other than foods. 'Sup burger, you wanna, I dunno, get eaten ?
I was a vegan at the time and had made a vegan "cheese"cake (shut up), and it turned out pretty well all things considered. Since I was a vegan I ate mine and one of the other vegan ones some lady brought (mine was better, ho) and was drinking Pepsi because I was a vegan for health reasons. So me and my buddy were there for a while and I was kind of half-chatting with this girl I had a boner for, then her boyfriend shows up and I was like, man fuck you for existing. But he didn't care, he had a hot girlfriend.
So I was sick of staring longingly at girls and cheesecake I couldn't put my mouth on, so I peaced out that scene. As I was walking home my stomach started grumbling. At first it was just a gentle motion, like a mother rocking a baby to sleep, but it quickly gained momentum like a baby who refuses to sleep getting a vicious shaking. I started farting, but the end of the farts were barbed with shit like a fecal scorpion tail, and I would have to clench suddenly. They came with more frequency and urgency and the farts got shorter and shorter before spiking out my shitometer. I was maybe two blocks from home and I tried running but made it two houses before my sphincter fluttered like a butterfly trying desperately but in futility to escape out of the jaws of a lion.
I wasn't going to make it.
I was on a dark street in between street lights and I had no choice. I ducked into the yard I was in front of, squatted between a tree and the darkness of the house, and let loose the blackest, vilest, most explosive spray my ass has ever released. It was painful but at least it was over quickly, and frankly I couldn't sit around and risk getting caught befouling this stranger's lawn not three minutes from my home. I realized, however, that my ass wasn't going to clean itself, but being the dead of February I didn't really have a lot of wiping material. So I yanked my pants and gonch off faster than lightning, got my ass as clean as possible with my underoos, and threw them on my still steaming waste.
"Sorry. Really." I whispered at the house's unknowing occupants, and shamefully hurried for home with a gurgling stomach, no woman and a shit-caked ass.
The Jesus
"Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."
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